The State of My Diabetes Now

I have been on multiple daily injections all of my diabetes life. I’ve been on the Freestyle Libre since October 2019. Sometimes I take a break every now and then and switch to finger pokes, as diabetes can be too much. It is a much needed break from the dia-tech. It’s already enough that diabetes is a 24/7 condition, 365 days every year!

Honestly, I don’t remember life before diabetes. Some days it sucks. Some days I pretend I don’t have it and try ignoring it. Some days I get obsessed with the numbers. Truth is, I still have it everyday. But, I won’t let it have me.

When my paediatric nurse told me at age six to “make diabetes your friend” and that “I’m such a sweet little girl that diabetes wanted to be friends with me,” she and I both knew that I had to… since I was such a sweet little girl. But, would diabetes ever consider or allow that? Did it even care?

Diabetes can be ugly. Twenty-one years with this disease and I’ve noticed that I have lost feelings of hypos especially when I am asleep at night. Last November, for the very first time, while working on my computer desk, I had a tingling and pinning sensation on the bottom of my feet. I barely ate anything that day since I was so stressed out. My bg levels were high all day from the stress. I corrected and corrected, and thought maybe my insulin had expired since my bg levels weren’t coming down. I kept rocking and moving my feet hoping it would go away soon.

Now, whenever my bg levels are not the greatest for a few days, the tingling and pinning pain on my toes and/or feet happens.

Diabetes is a sneaky thing. You don’t even know what’s going to happen next, and where it’s off to from travelling so many years in the body. So I ask,  what are you up to diabetes? What’s your status and your current state? As if my diabetes could talk to me and tell me precautions and tips.

All the positive diabetes mindset and perspective that this community has set upon embracing it… to be honest… we all know how ugly it can possibly be, and we know it’s all there… so why pretend like it is all fine, and it won’t be there if you try your best at being a “good“ diabetic?

A “good” diabetic — what does that even mean?! Watching what you eat? No sugar? Carb counting at its finest for that absolute accurate insulin ratio dose after dose?! I try my very best and treat my diabetes with care. I wouldn’t say I am the greatest diabetic. There are days where I say F that, give me that bag of cookies but what diabetic doesn’t? We all have bad days. All we can do is get back on our feet, try again, and keep going.

Truth is, I’m tired of the “having to have the perfect diabetes control” for a long life… what is perfect? How do we control it when it doesn’t like that most of the time? You cannot control but only manage it because stress, anxiety, depression, and other hormones affect it as much as sugar. These things happen uncontrollably and are triggered at some point almost every day in our lives. The mindset of keeping your diabetes health intact and tricking your mind into living a normal life makes it hard to manage sometimes. 

If anyone or if diabetes is degrading you and telling you that YOU caused any diabetes circumstance or complication, disregard this. 

Keep staying strong and never let the way society was taught or diabetes ignorance get to you and break you down.

You know your own self and at the end of the day, that is what only matters. 

I’m on Instagram! Follow @m_a_r_y_g_o_l_d   if you aren’t already! 

Hi! My name is Mary and I’ve been a T1D for 21 years now. January 10, 2000 was my diaversary.

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